trigger warning

suicide

My younger self tried, many times and at many stages, to extinguish life. Apologies for shocking those of you who did not know this about me. That younger version of me tried different methods, but only two of these attempts were undertaken with a deeply considered, sincere desire to exit life. In both cases, the fact that I did not succeed is a mystery to me. More incredible is the way this body has coped with such abuse.

Suicide is the leading cause of the deaths of my loved ones. I have lost a sister, two brothers in law and the father of my children in this way. They were each adults when they made the choice to end their life, and I am hard pressed to decry their actions. Of course, I am well aware of the impact on those left behind AND I feel enormous empathy for each of them and I understand why they did it.

When my sister died, I was mainly angry with her, not for dying so much, but for choosing suicide. She was the strongest person I knew and I looked to her for how to navigate in an uncaring world. Seeing the impact of her choice on her loved ones, I thought she had taken that choice away from me. I thought I could not leave my loved ones with such confusion and guilt and so I was destined to struggle on.

As poor mental health lies at the bottom of such deep despair, when I tried to end my life, years later, I knew that, not only could I not bear anymore pain, but my children and loved ones would be better off without me. I felt so useless, hopeless, worthless. More to the point, though, I believed these feelings would never leave me. It was clear to me that my mental health was negatively impacting my family, informing my parenting and damaging my children in their formative years. So the decision to end my life was a decision to free my children from the damage I was causing them.

It was not entirely altruistic, of course, as the pain was in me. But I was able to rationalise away the grief that would envelope my children. I had nurtured them through the death of their dad and they had survived. I believed they would also survive my death and, ultimately, be better off as orphans.

Surviving a suicide attempt is almost as challenging as surviving the times that drive a suicide attempt. Loved ones become watchful, suspicious, hyper vigilant. There’s no more hiding the existential pain. Any low mood becomes cause for concern. At times, my mental health and the fears of my loved ones occluded all other happenings. A suicide attempt generally follows a period of withdrawal. Surviving an attempt throws one into involuntary visibility. There is no hiding anymore…

I have struggled with fluctuating moods for my entire life. I have only accepted medication to help with my moods, as a desperate and last ditch effort to stave off another suicide attempt. I’ve been medicated now for not quite two years.

I am currently enjoying a period of ease and contentment which I don’t think I have precedent for. I don’t know if this is the result of the pharmaceuticals, if this is what being post menopausal looks like, or if this is a result of all the difficult psychological work I’ve been doing for the last few years.

Whatever the cause, I’m standing in my visibility now to express my deep gratitude for life, for a body that works, for the agency to finally figure out who I am, what I value and how I express my values.

To any reader who is struggling, I want to offer reassurance. Life can be good! It can be quiet and wholesome and nourishing.

My gratitude encompasses an acknowledgement that, had I been successful in ending my life, I would not have had the opportunity to repair my relationships; my children would have to do their work of forgiving me, without me. We would be forever stuck in that place of disappointment and turmoil and I feel sure that they, too, would have to work hard at not dying in the same way.

As I face life, whole and sure within myself, I feel a calm excitement for what is yet to come. I no longer look forward into my future with dread and exhaustion.

Keep an eye on this substack for the latest instalment in my bonus life, as I take on the Bibbulmun Track in WA, with my wry, determined and courageous friend, Catherine. We are aiming to undertake the entire 1000km together, or as many as Catherine’s body will allow.

We hope to write together about this journey on this platform. You can learn more about Catherine by following this link, and more about the Bibbulmun here.

Readers, thankyou for your encouragement and support. Thankyou for caring about yourselves and others. Like any great adventure, today requires you to place one foot in front of the other and believe in your own capacities. My hope for each of you is that you, too, find a space of gratitude in your day today.